She got out of town...

Sunday, November 26, 2006


She got out of town...

...on a railway, New York bound...

Goodbye, teen-years.


[My right hand holds matches, and my left holds my past...]


Dom: "Goodnight! I'll see you when you're 20!"
Me: "Okay, goodnight."
Dom: "Now, missy, when you're 20, you better start acting like an adult. No more of that snotty attitude."
Me: "You're right. I'll try to be more mature."
Dom: "Good."


Michaela: "Wow, you're not going to be a teen anymore."
Tia: "Yeah, is that weird?"
Me: "Kind of. I was pretty attached to my teen-years."


[...I hope the wind catches, and burns it down fast...]


Corey: "Good morning, miss 20-year-old. Happy birthday!"
Dom: "Happy Birthday! Do you feel older?"
Me: "By about a day. Do I look older?"
Dom: "Yeah, you look much older."
Corey: "So, how do you feel?"
Me: "I feel like I'm ready to move to New York."


Me: "Oh my gosh, you guys. Take it back, you really shouldn't have gotten me this..."
Lukey: "Why? Does it suck?"

[I'm going to step int othe fire with my failures and my shame, and say goodbye to yesterday, as I dance within the flames...]


Luke and Nick: "Happy birthday... cut the lettuce!"

Listen, I ain't no hero-- that's understood...

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


Listen, I ain't no hero-- that's understood...
Current mood: complacent
Category: Life

[She's nothing but porcelain underneath her skin...]

My emotions are as inconsistant--and, at times, even ambiguous-- as a curious 12 year old. Today my hope was found through root beer floats and blatant honesty. The laughter that reverberates daily throughout this house helped, as well. Having kids around is a powerful remedy to the dark forces that lurk inside the over-analytical mind. Their innocence is uplifting; their honesty is refreshing; their silliness is adorable; their constant willingness to give hugs is altogether wonderful.

I have come to realize [once again] that there are times when it is best to allow yourself simply to be. I know this is what my closest friends have been trying to tell me all along; you know by now, however, that I never listen-- I only learn through trial and error. [All too often that there are more errors than trials.]

I've finally begun again. It seems as though my last beginning were much too long ago; as I look back through the documentation of my life, I realize that it was relatively recent. The chapters might be short, but they are indeed of the utmost importance.

Have a little faith, there's magic in the night... You ain't a beauty, but hey, you're alright... and that's alright with me...

I have come to terms with Me again. [Hi... I'm back.] You heard it correctly; I like Me. Myself and I have not quite reached the same level of friendship as before-- I am still ironing out the kinks in the area of trust-- but the road is clear and laid out ahead.

I know that I am far from perfect.
I know that my body could use a great deal of work.
I know that I get attached much too easily.
I know, however, that anyone I get attached to would be damn lucky to have someone like me on their side.
I know that I have a great intellectual capacity.
I know, also, that it does not equate wisdom...

And I am here, enjoying the pleasure of my own company and wondering what tomorrow will bring. No longer do I look toward my future-- or back at my past-- with a grimace. The past has made me who I am, so it could not have been that terrible [especially since I survived]. The future is mine to shape, and I know that it will be pretty damn amazing.

Anyone who wishes to join me, may. After all-- I'm just along for the ride, myself...

An empty tank and a cigarette...

Monday, November 20, 2006


An empty tank and a cigarette...
Current mood: exanimate
Category: Life

It seems so much later than it really is. East coast time puts me at around 11pm, but I feel as though I have been awake for days...

[Imagery: I'm on a highway, no exits or rest stops for miles in either direction. There's nothing but flatlands, and my tank is on empty... There are no stars, no moon, no streetlights-- and both headlights are out.

The only light is the flicker of a discarded cigarette on the road, a fading speck in the rearview mirror. ]

I'm trying to distract myself from the pain this damn ulcer[-slash-something] is causing me. The meds have gone from ineffective to counter productive; when I return to California, I should know more-- once the results of my next series of tests come in.

I'll be 20 in just under a week, but I feel as though I am aging much more than that. It's been a long year; I anticipate December to be even longer. I never mind a long December, however; I just put Counting Crows on repeat and allow myself to experience the emotions that they bring.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of dating.
I'm even more tired of relationships.
I'm tired of mixed signals.
I'm tired of jealousy, especially because none of it is mine.
I'm tired of second hand smoke.
I'm tired of ulcers, ambiguous tests, stomach pain.
I'm tired of my cell phone.
I'm tired of missing my loved ones.
I'm tired of responsibility.
I'm tired of the way that I have been feeling lately.
I'm tired of first impressions.
I'm tired of poverty. And I don't just mean mine.
I'm tired of the art that I have been [successfully or unsuccessfully] trying to create.

Today, I changed my address to Deer Park, New York. I have an official document stating that this is my new permanent address; mail-forwarding begins January 15th, so please-- hurry up and...

Hurry up!

Don't stop!

[December's chill comes late, the days get darker, and we wait for this direness to pass... There are piles on the floor of artifacts from dresser drawers, and I'll help you pack...]

So New York City, here I come...

There's no need to say goodbye, girl, cuz I ain't goin' nowhere. I have been lost inside my mind, girl. For so long I have lost track of time, girl... So New York City, here I come. Hug me and hold me with your wide open arms. I have been searching for something, and I think you might have what I am looking for... Or maybe you don't.

There's no need to say goodnight, girl, in the city that never sleeps. I need something to ease my mind, girl, cuz it's racing like a car through city streets... I wish that I could run away from here and never, ever, ever, ever, ever look back. But I'm still sippin' back on vodka, and still tryin' to figure out where I lost track. Yes, I'm trying' to figure out where I lost track... way, way back...

I think that I should be movin' on now, cuz this town has held me for far too long. Please, won't you tell me if I am wrong, girl? Oh, cuz the heart of a traveler is a spiritual one... And when I see them lights on Fifth Avenue, well, I'm gonna be a darma bum. When I see them lights on Fifth Avenue, oh, at this time I'll know I've won... and my life's finally begun.