When it all comes down

To no one in particular:
I guess when it all comes down, we really are who we pretend to be. If our identity is based solely on perception, then I could put on a smile and never again speak of anything but bright lights and champagne-- and that would be who I am to everyone surrounding.

We have infinite identities, we really do.
There is that person who only speaks of bright lights and frivolity-- or better yet, who just doesn't even speak-- who others pass off as vain, or boring, or shallow
There is the person they become when relaxing with the the ones who were there before all bets were called off
There is the person who sits awkwardly at a party, never knowing what to say or if anything should be said
There is the person whose heart is still sore from mild tragedy, who must smile because they were the one who threw the party in the first place
There is the person who sits on the floor of the living room in the middle of the night, holding an attempted suicide in their arms and calling for an ambulence
And even then, there is the person whose exterior is calm and collected, and there is the person who is screaming and frantic inside
There is the person who goes home each night and writes in their journal ideas about the nature of existence, about the impossibility of love to exist unconditionally, about identity and knowledge and quantum physics and everything that means something to them but never seems to mean anything else. It's just a hobby anyway, right?

Life is just a game and, as far as I can tell, there are no real rules and no way to win or lose. So take it as you will and pretend to be whoever you want. Because, like Jude Law says in one of the best existentialistic/nihilistic films ever made, how am I not myself? It doesn't matter how many perceived identities you acquire. Whoever you are presently-- is still who you are.



To one person in particular:
[Thank you for responding when I reached out to you. It means more to me than you'll probably ever learn, and more than I will probably ever be able to tell you. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement, for opening up to me the fact that you can relate to how I feel. And thanks for telling me the things that you wouldn't tell other people, for putting so much trust and faith into me. Your words may well have been my saving grace.]