[leave the pieces when you go]

im so into him that it is not even funny. you know how i feel about love and relationships and ESPECIALLY commitment, i'm the girl who never wants to commit because it never lasts, they always leave, so i'm happy with no-strings-attached dating, but not relationships... and i really liked jeremy until i realized that everything he said to me was a lie. he didn't even know he was lying, and that is the worst part. and now im even more wary to trust a boy... he was saying some of the exact same things that jeremy was saying, so automatically when i heard them my guard went up and i didn't believe him. when he told me he had a hernia, he started it out by texting to me "please promise me you won't freak out..." and i said "i promise, what am i not freaking out about?" and i just knew he was going to say something like "we can't see each other" or "i got back together with my ex" or something... but he didnt, he said "i have a hernia." and jeremy told me that he wanted to help me get over my intimacy issues, and then the next day he dumped me... whereas nick told me he was GOING to help me get over my intimacy issues, and then spent two nights in my bed, holding me in his arms and wiping my tears every time i cried. and then he said that about moving to NY if we are a couple when i go... and he looked at me and said, "how many men who you went on ONE date with, have looked into your eyes and told you that they would move ALL the way across the country... for love?" and i swear, that was the moment when all the walls broke down, and i realized i wanted more than anything to be his girlfriend, to be his and to know he is mine... for the first time since danny broke my heart three years ago, i actually want to commit. i actually want to fall in love and get married someday and even have kids someday. i want to move to NY with my boyfriend, and have him propose to me on broadway underneath the gorgeous neon signs, and i want him to mean it when he looks into my eyes. but most of all, and more importantly, i want to love him more than he's ever been loved, i want to ease all his pain and be there to cook for him when he works a 12 hour day at the auto repair shop, and i want to help him fix up his cars that he brings home even when we can't afford another fixer-upper car, and i want to read him excerpts of my book and ask for his opinion, and i want to lay down next to him with my head on his chest every night, knowing he will still be therei n the morning. this is so scary, because i've broken down these walls, and he doesnt even know it yet. he doesn't know how i feel-- all i said was "i have this incredible desire to take away all the pain you've ever felt and shield you from any pain you might feel in the future... and every time you talk, i like you so much more, and everything you say makes me adore you that much more..." and that was all i could get out to him, but i know i need to tell him. he said that the first time he saw me when i went to the party with our friend kim, he thought to himself "damn, kim, you said you were going to bring a friend to the party, but could you have BROUGHT anyone more adorable???" and he told me that he loves the way i talk to him, and he poured his heart out to me and normally when people do that i will offer advice but not involve myself emotionally, and yet with him, i didn't know what to say because i wanted to only say the perfect thing, i wanted to dry his tears and ease his pain, i wanted to tell him it would be okay in a way that he would believe, so i just cried my eyes out because i felt this terrible pain that he was feeling... that's never happened with anyone since danny, so many years ago... i swore after i broke off the engagement with danny that i would never get engaged or married again, but i want SO badly to wear his ring...